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220px-jonathan_g_meath_portrays_santa_clausThe True Story of Santa Claus Santa Claus, Father Christmas, and Jolly old St Nick. This corpulent and seemingly jovial fellow, known for his great white beard and penchant for red britches is the undisputed hero of children worldwide. He slaves away for 364 days a year in his secret fortress of solitude building toys for over 1.5 billion of the world’s Christian youth before taking on the daunting task of delivering to every last one of them in a 24 hour period. He has been revered for many an age but much of the truth about this man has been lost to history. His real identity has become shrouded in mystery and what now remains is little more than myth, legend, and in some cases complete and utter fallacy.

 

 

For those of you who are finally ready to learn the shocking truth about the man known as Santa Claus in the west, and Annual Gift Man to the Japanese, I invite you to please read on and once and for all separate fact from fiction.

Santa’s Real Name

The first thing you should know about Father Christmas is that Santa Claus isn’t actually his real name. He is Mercur Zuh Akit and is a warrior from the 57th dimension. Mercur became stranded in the earth realm over 200 years ago after being mortally wounded during a brutal showdown with Dren, the Man of the Satanic Claws; a fiendish and rapacious ghoul of demonic intent and devilish desire, one who was hell bent on ending all life in their dimension. After being bloodied and brutalized well beyond the possibility of victory and staring his own mortality in the face, Mercur knew the only thing he could do was to flee to Earth and regroup before finally returning to bring righteous justice upon his bitter foe. He exists in our dimension to perform acts of kindness to children of pure heart to make them glow with happiness and delight. This delight is then channeled into energy that he can use to power his chakras and enter his own realm.

Santa’s Beard

One of Santa’s most notable traits is his giant white beard which gives him a fatherly, friendly, and certainly loveable demeanour. But what isn’t known is that his hair is naturally a dark shade of blue and became grey after his near fatal battle with Dren. What’s more, he only grew his beard to cover the horrific scars he suffered on his face and throat during that epic encounter. So his most cute and loveable trait was systematically created to mask his most disgusting and horrific trait. And that, is what we call irony.

Santa’s Age

The laws of time and space work somewhat differently in the 57th dimension and as a result, Santa ages infinitely slower than Earth-born humans. For every century that Santa spends in our dimension he ages only one day. This accounts for his near identical appearance to children throughout the ages.

Santa’s Prejudices

Santa converted to Christianity shortly after coming to Earth and is now a firm believer in the teachings of Jesus Christ. On the flip side, he has developed a total disdain for people who aren’t Christian and hence doesn’t give presents to Jews, Hindus, or Muslims. These people he deems to be scum and completely beneath his interest. However, Santa is also deeply insecure, has a fragile ego and needs to be adored. Due to this he is willing to make exceptions and give presents to non-believers who love and cherish him as the kind hearted soul he truly wishes to be.

muscular-santaSanta’s Sleigh, Reindeer and Intense Regime

While Santa’s sleigh appears to be a very simple piece of technology it’s actually highly sophisticated and easily the most advanced piece of tech currently on planet Earth. His reindeer are not real life animals but Star Trek style antimatter rockets capable of reaching top speeds of over 30,000 miles per hour. To combat the extreme G Forces he encounters on his annual trip he undergoes a self-imposed and painfully strict training regime similar to that of NASA astronauts. This regime consists of plyometrics, weight training, high intensity cardio, and G-Force training.

 

It should also be noted that while Santa appears to be overweight, he is actually in supreme physical condition. Contrary to us on planet Earth, people from his dimension tend to get more and more round as they train. Much like The Kingpin of Marvel comics fame, his body is all muscle and has only 4% body fat. Delivering Santa’s Toys In bygone days of yore, Santa would personally deliver his toys down chimneys but as times have changed and chimneys have become somewhat less prominent; he has been forced to adapt his approach. Nowadays, his toys are carried in his sleigh inside a vacuum packed sack; shrunken to millionths of their original sizes with nanotechnology and programmed to expand upon contact with oxygen. When Santa is in range of an appropriate home, the technology in his sleigh scans for a Christmas tree and beams the toys underneath it. At this point they then react with the oxygen present and expand to their original sizes.

 

santaSanta’s Insatiable Blood lust

As previously stated, Santa needs to perform acts of good to bring joy to the hearts of wholesome children and thus use that energy to enter his home dimension. Once there he will engage Dren, the Man of the Satanic Claws in Mortal Kombat and forever sentence his soul to the endless void of eternal oblivion. However; what is not known by most is that the slash he sustained during his battle with Dren imbued him with a rampaging blood lust the likes of which no mere human could comprehend.

 

Ironically this blood lust compels him to devour the flesh of the very innocent childish souls he needs to nurture in order to get back home. Every time Santa is near a small child, the urge to feast on their guts grows and grows within him and the only thing he can do to satiate it is to focus his thoughts and chant the mantra ‘ho ho ho….ho ho ho’. The energetic resonance within these words attunes to his unique genetic blueprint and temporarily quells his violent urges. Now that you know the truth; spread the word! And there you have it folks, now you know the truth about Mercur Zuh Akit the man known as Santa Claus in the west and Annual Gift Man in Japan. Finally, let me assure you that everything you have just read is 100% true and has been thoroughly researched using nothing but the highest standards of journalistic integrity.

What’s all information was corroborated from the testimony I received from Mercur himself during a series of one-to-one interviews at his secret base in the North Pole. With that said; I invite you to go out into the world and spread the word amongst your kin so that all may know the real story of this truly remarkable individual. Santa Claus, Jolly Old Saint Nick, Father Christmas, or even Mercur Zuh Akit, we salute you! We hope it won’t be long before you finally exact supreme and righteous vengeance on Dren, the Man of the Satanic Claws.