Now if there’s one thing that everyone’s heard, even if they don’t necessarily think it’s true, it’s that being black comes with a sizeable number of disadvantages. Whether that’s the increased difficulty we suffer at getting taxis, having to shine twice as hard as our white counterparts in interviews to get a job or just a genetic predisposition to contracting sickle cell anaemia, being black can suck at times.
However, what nobody ever talks about are the plus sides that come with being of the African disposition and I think it’s high time that somebody bucked that trend. If you agree with me then kick off your shoes and get stuck in as I welcome you to 6 reasons why it’s great to be a black man.
We have natural jungle camouflage
Ever see one of those army movies where soldiers smear their faces with brown and green camo paint to help them blend into the jungle? Me too, I love that shit, but guess what? My being black means that in the highly unlikely event that I ever find myself stranded in the middle of the amazon rainforest armed with a hunting knife and a homemade crossbow engaged in guerrilla warfare with a clan of skin peeling Ukrainian terrorists, I’ll be naturally camouflaged at all times. My brown skin will help me to blend into my surroundings like a man sized chameleon of death and I’ll be totally safe as long as I don’t crack a smile.
We appreciate the deliciousness of chicken
There’s a stereotype about us negroes that says we love to eat chicken and my experience confirms this as being 100% correct. I love that tasty little bird and never want to live my life without it. Dave Chappelle claimed that we’re actually genetically predisposed to going gaga for the stuff and I have to admit that would explain a lot because I’ve never known a non black person who truly understood the joy and wonder that is a well cooked chicken meal. There’s a disconnect between what seems to be going on in the minds of me and my negro contemporaries and our non negro brethren so if someone wants to tell me that might be due to a genetic factor, I’m inclined to at least listen to their story. Either way, if I were born white I probably wouldn’t enjoy chicken on the deep cellular level that I do now and if that were true, not only would it suck balls but I’d be doomed to live life without ever experiencing one of its true pleasures.
White men love us
I have a theory that legions of white men grow up secretly wishing they could have their own black friend and I’ll hold onto that belief until my dying day. EVERY time I go out clubbing, I’m accosted by drunk crackers who want to introduce themselves to me and shoot the breeze. It’s never black guys, never Indian guys, and never oriental guys, always, always always white guys. This is what I usually hear.
‘What’s your name, mate? Ciaran? Ah you’re sound mate, sound as a fucking round pound!’
I started a discussion on Facebook about this same topic and was almost flooded with responses from black men who have the same thing happen to them. I suspect it’s because we all look somewhat friendlier than your average jungle bunny and that our smiling and dancing selves give these whiteys the courage to come say hello. Either way it’s been happening to me for years and I’ve often gone out on my own because I knew I’d quickly end up making friends with people.
We integrate easily
Most people think of slavery as a terrible thing and I agree wholeheartedly with those people. After watching 12 Years A Slave last year I was overcome with the urge to take my Deloreon back to 1822 with an M16 in the back seat and spend several years pumping round after round of hot lead into the bodies of Southern American slave owners.
However, I’ve got to be honest and say that being descended from slaves while living in the culture that originally enslaved my ancestors has its benefits. For instance, my name is Ciaran Callam. This means that my CV doesn’t get overlooked when I apply for jobs because any racist white people (and we all know those people still exist) who would be hiring me assume that I’m also white.This then buys me access into the interview at which point I can hopefully win them over with my intelligence, personality and non threatening yet blackness. Brilliant, right? But the thing is that my name is just a by product of something larger and that’s the fact that the way of life of ‘my people’ has been largely co-opted by white Christian western values. A few hundred years of violently enforced religion, customs and values have seen to it that my family all have English sounding names, are Christians themselves and follow a culture that’s very similar to that of the dominant ethnic group in England. This makes it far easier for us (blacks) to integrate into English culture than it seems to be for Indian Hindus or Pakistani Muslims and the benefits of that can’t be denied.
We’re always safe
While my being black means that people often distrust me and assume I’m a criminal before I prove otherwise, the flip side is that I never need to worry about my safety when I’m out. Ever since I was 18 I’ve never had anyone give me the slightest bit of trouble and to me that’s completely normal. When men bump into me in clubs they apologise profusely. When I’m walking the streets and approach a group of hooded and tracksuit wearing teenagers, said teenagers move out of my way automatically. I’ve never been assaulted, robbed or even shouted at by someone I don’t know while I know loads of non black people who have had that happen to them. When I’m out I know I have complete and utter physical safety at all times and when I see someone looking at me my assumption is that they think I might attack them, I never worry that they might attack me.
(Some) White women love us
This one might ruffle a few feathers but I’m gonna say it anyway. We live in a world in which for one reason or another, white women are seen as the pinnacle of human beauty. It’s a notion of don’t agree with, although my girlfriend is white which I’m sure makes me look like a hypocrite. Either way, white women are seen as the be all and end all in the media and from what I’ve seen during my 31 years of existence, there are scores of Asian and Oriental men who crave and covet them like they’re some sort of divine nectar from the gods from which they’ll never be able to drink. Also if I’m also going to be honest I’ve known quite a few white girls who’ve categorically said they’re just not interested in those men at all.
Well one benefit to being a black man is that out of all of the minority ethnic groups in western society, we’re the one that’s seen as being the most sexually attractive in the eyes of the dominant group. I’ve never had any trouble getting white women and my black friends and family members haven’t either. I think this is probably down to our having mass media representation through people like 50 Cent, Idris Elba and Usain Bolt while other ethnic groups have very few representatives if any. But the fact still remains, if you’re an ethnic minority who wants to fuck lots of white women, you’ll probably get more success if you’re black.